My friend told me I should blog about relationship advice. And I thought to myself, “What a great idea. I’m brilliant. And I have one of the most perfect relationships… [cough] with myself. Who wouldn’t want my advice?”
You know who wouldn’t? You. So here is my first, and last relationship column. Some general rules of wisdom.
1. Keep it in your pants. It’s only complicates things. Joy equals does not equal happiness.
2. You will be disappointed, just try not to be disappointed in each other at the same time. That’s when bad things happen.
3. If your friends don’t like him. You don’t like him. End of story.
4. Don’t talk to bartenders, and don’t date bartenders. Must I elaborate?
5. If your mom likes him, take him shopping because he probably needs a wardrobe change, a hair change, or a personality adjustment.
6. If he smokes, dump him. Who wants to date a dude with oxygen at the age of 35. Emphysema blows.
7. Baby Mama Drama = RUN FOR THE HILLS. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
8. If he hates dogs, or other animals… he is probably a serial killer. Refer to Dexter before your next night out.
9. Girlfriends are disaster. Avoid guys with girlfriends. They can beat your face in with a bat and no on will feel sorry for you. Nose jobs cost a pretty penny I’ll have you know.
10. Don’t over analyze the lyrics of the songs on the CD they made you. Boys are stupid. They don’t know what they do. Just smile, pretend to be as oblivious as they think you are.
11. If he’s more flexible (as in can touch his toes with his wrists) than you are… ask some serious questions. There is more to that story. More than you probably want to know.
12. Men that hate small children, also hate God. Think about that.
13. If they like Disneyland… and admit it frequently. They probably also cried during “The Fox and Hound”. Is that someone you want to make out with.
14. Guys that only call you once a week (say on a Sunday) have you labeled. You’re Sunday girl. He, also, has a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday girl. Hope you’re good with sharing.
15. Don’t make out when you drink. Wait, what am I telling you. Be free my little butterfly.
Now, if you’re stupid enough to follow my advice, you need to 1) seek professional help and 2) get your IQ checked. Again this will be the first and last of my romantic advice for the foreseeable future. Have a good night.