Sometimes I find myself getting caught up the what if’s of life or the comparison game or the ‘wish I had’ thought process. I’m working on it… some days it’s more of a struggle than others.

But, last night I had this ‘aha’ moment of sorts. There wasn’t anything flashy going on, it was completely devoid of romantic gestures and frankly to anyone else it would have been overly ordinary. But, it was exactly what I’ve needed.

Christian and I were out back, the lawn was freshly cut. We were working together to plant our vegetable and flower haul from Home Depot before it got too dark. While he was digging holes, I walked back to the deck to grab a few seed packets. Once the seeds were firmly in my grasp, I turned around to head back over. It’s then that it hit me. I’m so lucky.

The sun was shinning in a way that only mid-evening sun can, casting shadows and rays of light perfectly across the lawn. Christian was hunched over the garden, looking ruggedly handsome and our two ridiculous dogs were in an all out wrestle in the grass. It was pure perfection, almost like a shot straight from a movie.

When I take the time to remember and pause for a moment to notice, my life is overflowing with goodness. No matter where I am, who I wish I was or what I think I’m missing, I need to remember that…. truly, truly, truly I’m so very blessed and so very lucky.

[Getting in some after work baby snuggles last night]

My Sisters Baby: 

My sister had her sweet baby boy on April 24 and I can’t get enough of him… his wrinkly little hands, sweet little face and snugly little body. There’s something about him being my sisters baby that makes me just *that* much more comfortable. With other people’s children (even my other nieces and nephew) there’s always been this worry that they don’t trust me not to break their kid (or even soothe them when they’re upset). With Sarah, I’m just a lot less worried that she doesn’t trust me. Plus, I can beg to hold him, feed him, change him… (no shame)… and she won’t judge me too much.

On remodeling our house:

We’re living in complete chaos right now… while we do have counter tops and a sink (after 1.5 weeks without), all of our dishes and appliances are either jammed in the pantry, residing in the office or covering our kitchen table. There isn’t an end in sight, either. We’ve got another week ahead of us in the world of cabinet painting and then we’re painting the first floor and redoing all the flooring. It makes me tired just thinking about it. Having a house that feels like home (and like us) will be worth it in the end, but it’s keeping us on our toes for now!

Eating Well:

As you probably know by now, one of my goals for the year was to start feeling better. Along  with that goal was to get stronger, eat better and hopefully lose some weight. I didn’t want to conquer the weight thing head on because at this phase in my life I’m a lot more focused on being healthy rather than being a size 2. Ahem. Also, wine + cookies are a few ingredients in the recipe for my happiness.

I have however embarked on two 24-day Challenges through Advocare and have been really limiting the dairy, wheat (most grains) and sugar in my life. Last Friday marked the end of the second challenge and while I was so excited to eat a freakin’ slice of pizza, I can also say that I’ve been feeling SO much better on the whole (and as a bonus sleeping better too).

TV:

I’m sick of our TV. Or, more precisely, all three of them. They seem like this time suck attached to all the major rooms in our home and I find myself gravitating towards them when I’m either avoiding or lacking something to do. Netflix this or DVR that takes over most nights after we’ve eaten and cleaned up dinner. I would quit (get ready for the lamest excuse you’ve ever heard), but I’ve invested X amount of months into some shows (I’m looking at you Elementary, Big Bang Theory and Nashville) and want to see how the seasons wrap up without waiting until September. So, while I work on a solution for a more healthy TV relationship, know that I’m giving our TV the side eye each time I turn it on.

Warmer Weather: 

I’m almost overwhelmed by the joy I feel when I wake up and see the sun peeking in through my blinds. As I get older I’m finding more and more patterns with the way I feel (in all aspects) with one of the major changes in my attitude/outlook on life hinging on the seasons plus the amount of warm temperatures/sunshine. Spring and summer (and even fall) hold such hope, I’m drinking it all in and trying not to get too addicted. Also, is it weird that I’m already dreading November when it shifts back to dreary-ville?

Getting Up Early:

I’ve started several posts that talk about how I’ve been a little crazed and over scheduled – it seemed like there just weren’t enough hours in the day to enjoy (and/or do) life. I was just checking things off my list (even the good things) and not allowing myself the time to really enjoy the moment. Plus, there are some remedial life tasks that just weren’t happening which added to the stress load. All of this to say that I’ve been working on my morning routine, specifically getting up early. Out of the last 8 work days, I was up at least 30 minutes earlier than usual and some days over an hour earlier than usual. I love the extra time I have to get ready without scrambling, take the dogs for a walk or just do the dishes. It’s making such a difference… hoping that I can make it a forever habit.

That’s where I am today. I’m also thankful it’s Friday! Finally.

In high school, I made friends that up until a few years ago I would have sworn would be my best friends forever (and ever). I’ve never had any other friends like that. Ones that allowed you to be completely, 100% yourself. Whether they faded over time, had a big ‘ol dumb girl fight or just ended without reason, it doesn’t matter. They are a huge part of my past and losing them was as painful as losing my first love — but for me, the sting continues to linger. The wounds, though healed, still throb from time to time.

Those girls, the ones I used to sit in my 1998 red Chevy Blazer with, day dreaming and arguing about who would be who’s maid of honor, aren’t those girls for me anymore. They weren’t the maid of honor at my wedding, they weren’t bridesmaids at my wedding… in fact, they weren’t even there. Which, to 20 year old me is completely inconceivable. Sometime the past memories, the old laughs, the lost friendship still feels like a limb has up and disconnected itself from my body. Losing girlfriends is hard- so hard.

In college, I made more friends that now share a bond of late night shenanigans, Saturday morning recaps and a love for each other that I hope never fades. We sustain ourselves on wine nights, memories of laying in bed watching Frasier and inside jokes. They don’t live next door anymore, they don’t even live in the same city.

These are the girls that will always say yes to a bottle of wine and an America’s Top Model Walk Off… the ones that have sat with me while I cried at life’s uncertainty and celebrated even the tiniest victories right alongside me. It’s funny, though, that we were all the in the same phase of life when we met, but are all so different now. Different paths, different cities, different lives. But, they’re still my favorite girls, even if they’re far away.

As an adult, I’ve only ever made a handful of friends that resemble anything close to the relationships of my (not so long ago) youth. One or two, really. There’s less to bond over, less to pull you out of your shell, less to experience. I get that. We’re not all plotting our prom plans or staying up til 2 AM making all kinds of memories. Being grown up comes with new relationships (hello husbands) and a lesser need to rely on would be strangers to get you through. And, that’s what makes me sad. The vulnerability decreases, the openness decreases, the need for relationship decreases.

Occasionally a post will pop up about the impossibility of adult friendships, a statistic will come out about the probability of only meeting one couple during your marriage that will create a strong friendship with both you and your spouse … and it all almost seems impossible. Almost. As girls, as women, as daughters, as human beings we need to be better. We need to be open and vulnerable and willing to try. Because, the alternative isn’t good. It’s not happy. It’s not the way I want to live.

So, let’s change it. Let’s say yes to coffee dates and no to drama. Let’s compliment each other instead of analyzing and blaming. Let’s laugh and stop caring about exactly what comes out of our mouths in nervousness and just embrace the fact that, truly, we’re all in this together. Each one of us is taking it one day at a time and trying to figure out where we fit, how this works and what we’re doing.

Let’s make this the year of girls, of friendships, of grace and forgiveness, of letting it happen. I’m in, are you?

Want to grab a cup of tea together and chat? Let’s be friends!

It’s Friday – finally! This week has been such a mix of ups and downs here in Denver. Between alternating fabulous weather with crappy weather AND the win, then loss of the Nuggets to Golden State. Le Sigh.

On a brighter note, I started my May Challenge of hugs, though I failed miserably in remembering to hug my Mom and sister last night. Two people that should most definitely be high on the hug list. I’ll do better next time, I know it! This weekend has lots of good stuff packed in: tonight we’re having dinner (ribs!) with Christian’s parents, tomorrow we’re heading to our nieces birthday party and then on Sunday we’ve got Love In Action with our church (our entire church body goes out into the community to volunteer and clean things up). I’m also hoping to get our kitchen cabinet bases primed and painted since we’re living in total chaos… still. Here’s to hoping for warmer temperatures that actually stick around!

Here’ are my finds from around the web:

I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m not a huge breakfast person — unless breakfast burritos or biscuits and gravy are on the menu. However, I’m married to a pancake/breakfast lover. Usually I can sneak past the whole breakfast thing by offering him a smoothie or distracting him with the to do list for the day, however, these coconut tres leches pancakes (and cake!) look so good, I’d willingly make them. Oh and they’re gluten and dairy free. Bonus!

There’s that country song about always looking to the next part of life rather than enjoying the stage you’re currently inhabiting… with the theme ending on how time goes by too fast. Well, turns out that it does. This post on learning to settle into life instead of pushing through it was so perfect. I especially loved the part where she talked about moments in life not looking like she thought they would, and how to embrace that.

You may think you know what it looks like to wring out a wash cloth in space, but I can assure you that you don’t (unless you’ve already seen the video). I couldn’t stop staring… space is weird.

Have you ever checked out Penelope Trunk’s blog? My old boss/friend Bethany turned me on to it with a warning that she gets a little, shall we say, inappropriate at times. But, to me, the blatant honesty is part of what makes it all work. Anyways, her post on how you deal with mistakes, and how your actions relate to success totally sucked me in. Plus, I’m SUPER interested in where food comes from and the back story on humanely raising pigs had me from the first sentence.

This week was the start of Stratejoy’s Willpower Council, and as such I’m working on building a better routine in the mornings. This article on getting up/setting yourself up for success in the mornings and five elements that help you get going was just what I needed to affirm I was on the right track. Are you a night owl (I AM!) or a morning person?

With Mother’s Day just over a week away it’s crunch time! I already purchased something for my Mom and my MIL (it’s been so hard to keep it a secret for the past few weeks), but I thought these Mother-Daughter journals were really cute (and a great idea!).

I’ve always considered myself a little awkward. Which, now that I type that out sounds a little harsh on the self-love front, but knowing how to make small talk, connect with complete strangers and keep myself from turning beet red at the drop of a hat are all outside of my comfort zone. In fact, just worrying that I may turn red will instantly cause the rose color to creep up my cheeks.

And, I’m out to change that. One thing at a time. My thought process is that the more that I make myself uncomfortable, the more I’ll get used to it and stop dreading all those intimidating moments that life throws at me. So, without further ado, I introduce the challenge for May.

Hugs.

Yup, you read that right. I’m going to be a hugging machine. I’m going to initiate more hugs than normal (which is very few and only when the other person “seems” like they’re going in for it anyways or I’ve had 3+ glasses of wine). This month, however, I’m doing it. Going all in on the hug front. Hugs for you and you and you. Oh, and you over there, “Want a hug?”.

When I’m feeling down or just plain worn out, there’s nothing better than knowing someone cares enough to give me a hug. While I may not be hugging random, sad strangers, I recognize the power of a hug and figure this challenge will kill two birds with one stone: Help me conquer a part of the awkward and hopefully cheer people up (or at least show them that I care) along the way.

On some level I’m really excited to start pushing myself out of my comfort zone and also to get better at showing the people in my life that I care. On the other hand, I’m scared. Do I hug the friend or family member that I never ever hugged and if so, how do I go about it without making us both feel like the “moment of hug” never happened? This is, after all, an exercise in moving me out of my comfort zone… not necessarily pushing other people out of theirs.

If by chance you’re a crimson cheeked, semi-awkward at social constructs type of person, I say join me (or hug me). What’s the worst that can happen? You end up hugging your friends and family (or me) a little more than normal? Can’t really go wrong there.

So, hello May, and with it, hello hugging challenge.

It’s been quiet around here this week, I’m a bit under the weather. It’s either Allergies, a cold or maybe a combination that’s keeping the pep out of my step and the toad in my throat. I sound like Maude from the Golden Girls and have been guzzling tea and hoarding cough drops to make it through the day. On top of not feeling so hot, all the violence – pain – grief – you name it – has been overwhelming. But, so has the good in this world.

So, today, instead of posting links to what I read or found this week, I’m going to take a moment to be thankful for my safety, the safety of the ones I love and for all the people spreading kindness and joy in this world. And, I implore you do the same. Have a blessed weekend.

Last weekend was AH-MAZ-ING, so this one will have a hard time following. We’ve got dinner with friends tonight, a visit with my Dad tomorrow + a visit with our friends and their new baby. Then on Sunday we’re going on a date (we’re having dinner and going to the Nuggets game downtown). Since we’re in the middle of new counter tops, painting cabinets and replacing our flooring… I’ve felt a bit like I’m living in a shanty of chaos. Pots here, Tupperware there and a whole lot of crap in between. It will be worth it. It will be worth it. The bonus? I don’t have to worry about the dogs tracking mud in on the carpet or ripping up the carpet  strand-by-strand, for that matter…

Here are my favorite finds for the week:

Food is one of my very favorite things in life. I spend far more time than I should thinking about where it comes from, where to buy it, how to cook it and when to eat it. These 100 rules of dinner were the perfect list of food awesome. Whether you’re just starting out in the kitchen or you’re a seasoned chef, there’s something for everyone… and once I got started reading, I didn’t want it to stop.

There’s always that moment where I want something frivolous, but have a hard time deciding whether its worth the price tag. This little tip on how much you’re will to pay is an absolute gem.

Learning to take care of yourself – physically, nutritionally, emotionally – can be such a hard thing to figure out. What exactly works for you, your lifestyle, your needs… but the most overlooked, especially for me (and most women, I’d guess) is the emotional component. Here are 50 self-care ideas to help get going or stay on the right track.

Since I’ve been trying to figure out what foods work for me, I’ve become increasingly aware of what I put in my body. The source, how it was made/grown/raised seems like something we should all pay a bit more attention to. This post on how one blogger is buying good food for her family is a great starting point.

Isn’t Maggie Smith  just fabulous? She pulls off sophisticated (and wise) so well in just about any role she plays. I loved her in Harry Potter and now I can’t get enough of her in Downton Abbey.

Have you seen the site What Ali Wore? I want to head to Germany just to give this guy a hug and a cookie. His outfits are amazing and he’s adorable. I kind of want him to be my grandpa — or at least my crazy uncle.

“Always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.”

This is the mantra that plays on repeat every time I find myself at the crossroads of uncertainty, on the edge of fear or barely holding on in a fit of anxiety. It’s the words that pushed me over the edge into “realistic” and “logical” rather than “heartfelt” and “emotional”. It was the, I don’t have to be scared anymore because I’m ready for the failure. The words held tight to my chest every time I wanted something I wasn’t sure I’d get, let alone deserve.

Prior to the moment of reckoning, you’d find me doubting my very being, my worth, my potential… spinning out webs of excuses that would quickly allow me to push the disappointment and shame away – out of my control.

To myself: You don’t have enough experience. You haven’t lost the weight. You aren’t outgoing enough. You don’t deserve it. You’re not smart enough. They don’t like you. You didn’t put in enough work. You’ll never be that person. Don’t bother with this again. 

To Everyone Else: It was a long shot. Oh well, at least a tried. Bummer. I don’t care. Wasn’t the right fit. Wasn’t meant to be. Guess there’s something better out there. 

It didn’t matter what it was. It didn’t matter what my odds were of it happening. The variable didn’t matter because it didn’t change the way I thought, the way I prepared or how scared I was of not only letting myself down, but more so, letting everyone else down and allowing them to see me fail.

And, if I did fail, I spiraled into despair, doubt and self-loathing. But, at least I’d prepared myself for it, right? At least, I knew what to expect when and if it happened. What I decidedly was not spending my time on, what I didn’t allow myself to focus on was the possibility that I had the right and the ability to be successful. I wasn’t spending a much time dreaming, hoping and believing.

This is where Jon Acuff’s words from Blissdom hit me in the heart. He said:

Many believe that if we’re apathetic we won’t get hurt. But, if you prepare for the worst, and it happens – you’ve got to experience it twice.

Instead of enjoying the anticipation, relishing the possibility of success – I was drowning in failure before it ever had a chance to happen. I was dragging my heart through the gutter and judging myself far worse than those I was scared to disappoint.

All this to say, that adage I’ve told myself for 26 years, it needs to go out the window. It needs to find its final resting place in my mind and allow the energy I’ve wasted to be  replaced by the mystery and joy in waiting to see what happens. It just so happens that this change in thought coincides with my goals for the year – living a more authentic and intentional life. How can I enjoy this moment or season of my life if I’m always wrapped up in fear and dwelling on that which lies just beyond my power?

All, change, especially big change doesn’t happen in a declaration, it happens in baby steps and ups or downs. In this case, its starting with a new mantra and giving myself a little grace. Giving myself permission to see what happens and be ok with the outcome… to just, simply, enjoy the ride.

1. I don’t BOO at Nuggets (NBA) games. Let me clarify. I was raised with the belief that Boo-ing is bad sportsmanship and it wasn’t something we ever did. So, when the arena erupts in Boo’s the moment an opponent goes to shoot a free throw, you’ll find me silent (and cringing). However, I’m all for boo-ing bad calls and players that ask for it (I’m looking at you Westbrook — after the Rocky goal tending episode).

2. Each night I compulsively make the bed. This seems ridiculous since I don’t take the time to make the bed in the morning… but I don’t. There is no possible way for me to sleep if the sheets are haphazard, un-aligned and slowly un-tucking from under the mattress. Christian thinks I’m nuts, but I don’t care. A girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do.

3.) Remembering to zip the zipper on my pants is a 50/50 endeavor. Half the time I’m pleasantly surprised to find them zipped the next time I head to the bathroom or change my clothes. The other half of the time. It’s down, and I don’t even have a good excuse.

4. I don’t really like Starbucks. You might be thinking BLASPHEMY or be nodding your head along with me – I find its usually one of the two. I don’t drink  coffee and find the rest of their products just mediocre. Their tea – alright. Their chai – alright. Their hot chocolate – alright. You won’t find me with an intense Starbucks craving, though I’ll go occasionally.  Each time I find myself thinking about it, it’s quickly cut short by the realization that I don’t actually want to go. Weird, right?

5.) I have chubby fingers. My ring size ranges from 8-9 depending on where it’s from. I long for dainty, lady-like fingers, but alas, I have sausages instead. For the record, I don’t think that they immediately look humongous, but when I can barely squeeze a friend’s ring on to my pinkie finger the full realization sets in.

You have any confessions you feel like unloading? If so, please share! The more that I do these, the more I realize that I’ve got a lot of weird tendencies quirks.

I’ve been waiting for this weekend for six months. It’s the weekend of my sister’s baby shower. There will be lots of adorable decorations, mini treats and onesies for decorating! I’ll have a post up about it soon. My friend Jacqui is coming down for the shower (and staying for the weekend) and I’ve got dinner with Christian’s Mom and sisters on Sunday. So much good stuff I can hardly stand it!

Here are a few of my favorites from this week:

I love Lucille Ball. Growing up I could not watch enough of her — I Love Lucy, The Long Trailer, Yours, Mine and Ours — each of them on repeat all the time. In elementary school I even wanted to have an I Love Lucy birthday party with her episodes playing on repeat. As I got a little older, I remember finding out that Lucille and Desi had divorced and it broke my little heart, no more Lucy and Ricky. Finding out, today, that Lucille Ball was so miserable at the end of her career, and her life, makes me so so sad.

Our house is not home. Not even close actually. Trying to figure out how to fit our current furniture/items into what I want is proving to be a touch harder than I originally envisioned. Sigh, isn’t that always the case. Seeing these floating shelves that OkayBA put together makes me want slap some up in our family room. Christian’s “build this” list is growing each week… I can assure you that he’s very excited.

One of the harder things about eating healthy is that you end up cutting out a lot of convenience foods and have to spend a little more time pre-planning and prepping what you eat. That’s probably why this recipe for slow cooker, All-In-One Crockpot Chicken + Rice + Brussel Sprouts caught my attention. Hello, yummy/easy dinner.

Crap. I collect it. So does Christian (though I maintain that he’s worse than I am). If you looked at last week’s Finally Friday post, you’d notice that “Simplicity” has been a bit of a theme for me lately. This article on Living With Less. A Lot Less. just pushed me a little further in that direction. If you need me I’ll be knee-deep in donate piles.

I thought it was really interesting that there’s a correlation between people making their bed and their level of happiness. Who knew?

Image via Stratejoy Pinterest Boards.