My dog, the precious little jerk that he is… hasn’t been feeling so hot lately. I don’t believe I’ve mentioned this before, but if I have you get to hear it all over again. And you’re going to like it. Lucky you.
About a year after I got this wonderful, urine filled darling he starting acting very lethargic, not eating and there for a while he gave up moving at all. I took him to the CSU vet hospital (one of my least favorite places seeing as after only an hour they brutally begin to remove your soul from your body). After extensive blood testing, about $1,000 and 3 conversations referencing “putting him down” we were told that he has a “Portacaval Liver Shunt”. I’m not a doctor (or vet), and since I can’t stand the site of blood or dealing with other’s/dogs bodies/functions I don’t think I ever will be. BUT, hearing the terms, “put him down”, “liver shunt”, “medication” etc. were more than enough to instill the fears of horrendous vet bills and extensive dog barf into my psyche.
To sustain his current physical condition he is currently on medication 3 times a day and presciption dog food. Protein free of course because with this little diagnosis and medical regimen comes the “No Protein EVER Rule”. What kind of life is that for a dog? No protein? No bologna, american cheese, chicken livers, or turkey gibblets? Not sure I’d want to stick around long either!
Now, knowing all of this, please try to picture me explaining this to my 74 year old father. It went a little something like this:
Me: Dad… Charlie, your beloved grand-dog has an un-curable liver shut and can NEVER, may I repeat NEVER have any protein or he will flop down, seize up and die in front of your very eyes. Got it?
Dad: What? What!!?? How can this be? No protein? He’s a dog. Do you get that? HE. IS. A. DOG. Dog’s need protein to live. What will he eat?!? This is no life for a dog. Poor dog. Poor, poor dog.
Me: Are we clear then? No protein… today, tomorrow, EVER!
Dad: Yeah, yeah I got it.
So after that joy of a conversation I assumed the issue had been put to bed. Good night protein issue. But I was wrong. Boy oh boy was I wrong. Did you know that beans don’t have protein? Oh and neither does pie. Pie is especially good for dogs with liver problems. “Helps them grow hair on their chests”… according to my father. I swear.
So between dosings of pie, beans, and protein laden dog food… Charles has been on the out-and-out these past few days. Lots of sleep, no energy… oh and that big tumble ALL the way down the stairs. It sounded something like “thud, thud, thud, clunk, thud, thud, thud, thud, bam, thud, whimper, thud, boom”. Yes, Charles fell all the way down the stairs. Apparently when he gets protein all the toxins go straight to his brain. If/when he dies, I swear I’m going to put “Death by pie” on his tombstone.